So we started out the day yesterday by actually sitting with the teachers and being part of the introduce-your-partner-class-introductions in E1. I had a hard time explaining why I was there and did not anticipate that it would be so difficult. Sure, it’s easy to explain to other scholars, but to the teachers? The last thing I wanted to do was make them more aware of me listening in on everything they say in the next two weeks. So, I tried to say that I wanted to learn more about energy, but I felt like they didn’t really buy that (“What do you mean you don’t know about energy?” someone said). Really, though, that’s true! Heck, they’re teachers and by listening to their ideas I will learn so much about how to think about energy. . . because, shucks, sometimes I think of a herd of little capital E’s running around.
Anyway, I think in that moment, I felt like maybe these teachers wanted a more research-y answer, since, after all, my nametag says ‘scholar’ and I’m going to be the weirdo in the headphones. Of course, I don’t want to tell them, hey, I’m actually really interested in watching how you use your hands while you’re talking and thinking about energy. Yikes! So, suddenly, I felt like I was kind of not being honest. Being genuine seems key in establishing some kind of trust. I realized that, to me, this explanation was a really important moment for the person behind the camera to get right. Otherwise, I could end up feeling like I left the folks at my table feeling like bugs under a microscope. Really, I guess I’d like them to see me as just another one of their students, except, one listening in remotely, with ridiculously large headphones on.
So, what I wish I had said, more clearly and confidently, was that I’m here to learn about how people talk about energy. That seems much more consistent with my true intention. It blends my desire to learn about energy from them and my desire to learn about how they discuss energy. I wonder, though, if the real backbone of explaining where I’m coming from is to tell them I really want to think of energy as a belief. Anyway, definitely, if I could do it again, I’d put a lot more thought into how I explained the answer to this simple question: what are you doing here?
it is really challenging to be genuine, isn't it!! especially if your answer to "what are you doing here?" feels a bit unacceptable, as in, "I'm here to videotape you whether you like it or not." i really feel for you on this one, as you can imagine. for me it motivates a process of not only representing myself in a way that seems more acceptable, but actually changing my own mindset and attitude to something that is fundamentally more respectful and engages others as my equals. for me this is a constant challenge.
ReplyDeleteWould that we were always perfectly self-aware and congruent. Since we're not, though, I have to hope and believe that there are ways to be genuine even when you don't know a good answer to "what are you doing here?" some off-the-cuff ideas: "Wow, I am embarrassed to say that I'm pretty much caught off guard by this question." "I'm here to learn how to analyze video for my dissertation, but the part where I'm a part of this classroom and relating to you, too, I am feeling kind of confused about that. It seems sort of rude, and yet another part of me feels like it ought to be a good and respectful thing, and I guess I haven't really thought it through." -- I don't know if those sound possible (or genuine) for you... I just think there have to be options for how to be genuine when we do not yet have ourselves figured out. since that's most of the time!